Tagged: “Unmissable. Our pulses are still racing.”
Source: Newspaper Ad
Location: Manchester AMC
Accompanied by: Andrew
Line re-action: I simply asked the young looking boy if he’d seen the film, to which he had. I asked, “Would you say it’s unmissable?”
“I met this girl there. She liked it.”
“And you didn’t?”
“It’s alright, it’s watchable.”
This boy must know the rating system of Project Unmissable; I was most impressed! Though in hindsight him feeling the need to mention he went with a girl was a clear hint of him insinuating that I must be gay as I was with Andrew…my brother…incest!
Film Review: For whatever reason there seems to be a big craze for vampires all of a sudden, and from my judging, nothing new has been added to the stories of vampires - no new twists or depths, just the same old stories, just re-told in different surroundings. I just don’t get it; it’s completely lost on me.
Now anyone reading this review who is well into the whole Twilight saga will be instantly dismissing this review already, most likely saying, “You’re bound to give it a bad review because you haven’t seen the first one.” Well clever dicks, that’s not so true. Ok, so I haven’t seen the first one, BUT my friend, Katie, who is a total Twilight junkie, went to the kind trouble of typing me out a synopsis of what’s happened so far, and told me little bits of detail to look out for that may not make much sense to someone like myself and Andrew who have never seen or know anything about Twilight. So I went into this film quite well clued up on who was who and what was going on and what it all meant.
I must confess that this is a difficult film to review, because not much happens in the way of a story. It seems to be trend these days when making trilogies (or quadrilogies) that not each film has to have some form of beginning, middle and end, it can just be a film of filler, because all will be told in the final part. It’s frustrating and really, it’s all a big con, because judging from this film, you could easily break down each film into half an hour – 45 minutes each, then piece them together as one film. But the fat cats wanna make some bucks, so who am I to argue?
For those who were Like Andrew and are absolutely clueless as to what the hell these films/books are about, allow me to try and quickly tell you. Bella (Kristen Stewart plays her) is in her final year of school and has met this guy called Ed Cullen (the girls' favourite Robert Pattinson plays him). Ed’s a vampire and they both fall in love. Bella wants to be with Ed forever and ever and in order for that to happen Ed would have to take her soul, but he can’t do that because he loves her. Also because the Cullen clan made a pact with the Quilite tribe hundreds of years ago that if they only drink animal blood and not human blood they can remain in Forks, Washington. Bella has a best friend, Jacob (Taylor Lautner took this role, he’s a bit odd looking to be honest). Turns out Jacob is part of the Quilite tribe (whoops, spoiler!) and he falls in love with her, but she’s way way way in love with Ed and could never love anything or anyone else. It hurts her that she has to remain a human when, as already stated, she wants to be with Ed for eternity.
In New Moon Ed pisses off as he feels the Cullens and himself are bringing too much danger to Bella, so he breaks things off with her, so Bella spends the entire film just being a major whine and proper bloody moody (even for me she’s too moody and dour!). Because she’s missing Ed and crying and moping over him, she decides to be all immature and get herself into trouble, but every time she ends up in trouble Jacob comes to her rescue. And that’s pretty much it, and it’s dragged out for two hours. TWO FUCKIN’ HOURS of a nothing story!
The makers of this film have been very clever because it’s tailor made for their demographic – teenage girls. All of the main cast are good looking, there are lots of hipster bands on the soundtrack (some of which I like; Bon Iver, Thom Yorke and Death Cab – yikes!) and the hunky boys take their tops off, just what the girlies want. Oh, and the main protagonist is like, so in love, like proper so in love like it hurts ‘n’ stuff, because it’s like such a complicated love and teenage girls lap that shit up.
I’ve always had difficulty with these types of films because all the cast are in pristine condition, to the point that Jacob has THE whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. I mean they’re proper Hollywood white; I wouldn’t imagine wolves to have such white teeth! And when Bella decides to mope in her room and not look after herself and sit in her chair for two month solid and stare out the window, she still manages to have perfectly plucked eyebrows.
There are many cheesy moments in the film. One of the moments that made me laugh was the entrance of Bella’s “hunky” vampire boyfriend, Ed. It was like something out of Beverly Hills 90210, and that shouldn’t surprise me, because that’s the demographic for this film. It’s basically The O.C. but with vampires. I can’t remember if it was slow-down or not, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. He might have even had entrance music….
Bella is so moody and down in the mouth and just filled with stereotypical teen angst, but like, it’s deeper than that ‘n’ stuff cos like her boyfriend is like a vampire ‘n’stuff. In all honesty, she’s just really annoying, and her and Ed make THE dullest couple in movie history… EVER!
The CGI isn’t all too clever either, especially when the wolves are gallivanting through the woods. They all look a bit stiff at times.
The most entertaining things about seeing this film is the vampire who looks like Harpo Marx and noticing how every time Ed Cullen is on screen there are many many MANY shots where it looks like he’s a male model posing for a fashion catalogue (again, well tailored to the audience!) Also, the screening I went to included some boys behaving naughty and the security guard having to come in and tell them off, that was fun.
I couldn’t care less what happened to any of the characters, especially Bella. OK, so she’s quite pretty, but that doesn’t justify why I should take an interest in what happens to her. If teenage girls can identify with Bella, then I am seriously worried for each and every one of them.
One question I would like answering however is why the fuck does Ed bother going to school? HE’S A VAMPIRE, THERE’S NO NEED!!! Oh, and why hasn’t anyone questioned why they’re all so pale? Back in my day at school that kind of stuff would never have gone unnoticed.
In a nutshell, it’s a success with the girls because the boys are hunks, the girls are pretty and the dialogue is melodramatic bollocks. It ticks all their boxes, and if it makes them happy, then who am I to take that away from them? For me, it was awful, but it’s well made for its target audience.
Verdict: Abysmal
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