The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Tagged: “Unmissable. Our pulses are still racing.”
Source: Newspaper Ad
Location: Manchester AMC
Accompanied by: Andrew

Line re-action: I simply asked the young looking boy if he’d seen the film, to which he had. I asked, “Would you say it’s unmissable?”
“I met this girl there. She liked it.”
“And you didn’t?”
“It’s alright, it’s watchable.”
This boy must know the rating system of Project Unmissable; I was most impressed! Though in hindsight him feeling the need to mention he went with a girl was a clear hint of him insinuating that I must be gay as I was with Andrew…my brother…incest!

Film Review: For whatever reason there seems to be a big craze for vampires all of a sudden, and from my judging, nothing new has been added to the stories of vampires - no new twists or depths, just the same old stories, just re-told in different surroundings. I just don’t get it; it’s completely lost on me.

Now anyone reading this review who is well into the whole Twilight saga will be instantly dismissing this review already, most likely saying, “You’re bound to give it a bad review because you haven’t seen the first one.” Well clever dicks, that’s not so true. Ok, so I haven’t seen the first one, BUT my friend, Katie, who is a total Twilight junkie, went to the kind trouble of typing me out a synopsis of what’s happened so far, and told me little bits of detail to look out for that may not make much sense to someone like myself and Andrew who have never seen or know anything about Twilight. So I went into this film quite well clued up on who was who and what was going on and what it all meant.

I must confess that this is a difficult film to review, because not much happens in the way of a story. It seems to be trend these days when making trilogies (or quadrilogies) that not each film has to have some form of beginning, middle and end, it can just be a film of filler, because all will be told in the final part. It’s frustrating and really, it’s all a big con, because judging from this film, you could easily break down each film into half an hour – 45 minutes each, then piece them together as one film. But the fat cats wanna make some bucks, so who am I to argue?

For those who were Like Andrew and are absolutely clueless as to what the hell these films/books are about, allow me to try and quickly tell you. Bella (Kristen Stewart plays her) is in her final year of school and has met this guy called Ed Cullen (the girls' favourite Robert Pattinson plays him). Ed’s a vampire and they both fall in love. Bella wants to be with Ed forever and ever and in order for that to happen Ed would have to take her soul, but he can’t do that because he loves her. Also because the Cullen clan made a pact with the Quilite tribe hundreds of years ago that if they only drink animal blood and not human blood they can remain in Forks, Washington. Bella has a best friend, Jacob (Taylor Lautner took this role, he’s a bit odd looking to be honest). Turns out Jacob is part of the Quilite tribe (whoops, spoiler!) and he falls in love with her, but she’s way way way in love with Ed and could never love anything or anyone else. It hurts her that she has to remain a human when, as already stated, she wants to be with Ed for eternity.

In New Moon Ed pisses off as he feels the Cullens and himself are bringing too much danger to Bella, so he breaks things off with her, so Bella spends the entire film just being a major whine and proper bloody moody (even for me she’s too moody and dour!). Because she’s missing Ed and crying and moping over him, she decides to be all immature and get herself into trouble, but every time she ends up in trouble Jacob comes to her rescue. And that’s pretty much it, and it’s dragged out for two hours. TWO FUCKIN’ HOURS of a nothing story!

The makers of this film have been very clever because it’s tailor made for their demographic – teenage girls. All of the main cast are good looking, there are lots of hipster bands on the soundtrack (some of which I like; Bon Iver, Thom Yorke and Death Cab – yikes!) and the hunky boys take their tops off, just what the girlies want. Oh, and the main protagonist is like, so in love, like proper so in love like it hurts ‘n’ stuff, because it’s like such a complicated love and teenage girls lap that shit up.

I’ve always had difficulty with these types of films because all the cast are in pristine condition, to the point that Jacob has THE whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. I mean they’re proper Hollywood white; I wouldn’t imagine wolves to have such white teeth! And when Bella decides to mope in her room and not look after herself and sit in her chair for two month solid and stare out the window, she still manages to have perfectly plucked eyebrows.

There are many cheesy moments in the film. One of the moments that made me laugh was the entrance of Bella’s “hunky” vampire boyfriend, Ed. It was like something out of Beverly Hills 90210, and that shouldn’t surprise me, because that’s the demographic for this film. It’s basically The O.C. but with vampires. I can’t remember if it was slow-down or not, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. He might have even had entrance music….

Bella is so moody and down in the mouth and just filled with stereotypical teen angst, but like, it’s deeper than that ‘n’ stuff cos like her boyfriend is like a vampire ‘n’stuff. In all honesty, she’s just really annoying, and her and Ed make THE dullest couple in movie history… EVER!

The CGI isn’t all too clever either, especially when the wolves are gallivanting through the woods. They all look a bit stiff at times.

The most entertaining things about seeing this film is the vampire who looks like Harpo Marx and noticing how every time Ed Cullen is on screen there are many many MANY shots where it looks like he’s a male model posing for a fashion catalogue (again, well tailored to the audience!) Also, the screening I went to included some boys behaving naughty and the security guard having to come in and tell them off, that was fun.

I couldn’t care less what happened to any of the characters, especially Bella. OK, so she’s quite pretty, but that doesn’t justify why I should take an interest in what happens to her. If teenage girls can identify with Bella, then I am seriously worried for each and every one of them.

One question I would like answering however is why the fuck does Ed bother going to school? HE’S A VAMPIRE, THERE’S NO NEED!!! Oh, and why hasn’t anyone questioned why they’re all so pale? Back in my day at school that kind of stuff would never have gone unnoticed.

In a nutshell, it’s a success with the girls because the boys are hunks, the girls are pretty and the dialogue is melodramatic bollocks. It ticks all their boxes, and if it makes them happy, then who am I to take that away from them? For me, it was awful, but it’s well made for its target audience.

Verdict: Abysmal

Harry Brown

Tagged: “Unmissable”
Source: Entire Ad Campaign
Location: Manchester AMC
Accompanied by: Andrew

Line re-action: While queuing I knew straight away who I wanted to serve me, and lucky me we got him; he just looked like a man who’d tell you straight, give you no bullshit. I ordered the tickets and then as I typed in my pin number I delivered the line with a little gusto. His re-action has already been dubbed (by Andrew) as the best one yet.

With a look of slight confusion and disbelief, he scoffed, “Unmissable?” Andrew and me started to laugh.
“Yeah, unmissable. Is it not?” I asked.
He replied, “It’s cheesy.”
“So you’ve seen it then and you wouldn’t say it’s unmissable?”
“No,” he handed me the tickets. “You’ll laugh,” and he wasn’t wrong…

Film Review: Many who know me will know that I have a very low opinion of British cinema. If it’s not a pompous rom-com it’s a glorified gangster film trying to be Hollywood. And if it’s not that then it’s either an attempted horror or a “gritty drama” set in a run down area that will no doubt feature drugs at some point. Harry Brown falls into the “gritty drama” basket (and yes, it features LOTS of drugs). To make things worse the main star of the film is Michael Caine, a man who I still cannot fathom why the hell people rate him so highly as an actor. He uses far too many unnecessary pauses when delivering lines and always delivers them as if he’s telling a story and not as though he’s having a conversation.

The storyline of this film is VERY simple and follows the step-by-step formula of a vigilante movie (one thing learnt is that if the film is a vigilante it’s got a bloody good chance of being unmissable). Michael Caine, (he plays Harry Brown, funnily enough) is an ex-marine, his wife’s dead and he has nothing better to do with his days than go to his local pub and play chess with his best friend, Lenny. When he’s not doing that he’s busy living in fear of the scallies who are selling heroin and just being a general nuisance on the neighbourhood by attacking people for no reason. A recurring scene in the film is of Harry walking to either the pub or the hospital (to see his wife before she dies) and stopping when he reaches the subway. He never dare go under the subway as this is dominated by the scallies who will no doubt beat the living daylights out of him, because that’s all they do to people who walk near them. So he always goes the long way round, even if he knows he’ll be late.

Anyways, Lenny tells Harry he’s scared, then that night Lenny gets stabbed to death and from this point onwards Harry takes the law into his own hands and decides to seek revenge on the scallies who killed Lenny. Remember, this pensioner is a former marine; so you can well imagine the carnage he’s gonna cause.

Now you may recall that when I reviewed Gran Turino I mentioned it could’ve been a lot like my personal favourite vigilante movie, Death Wish 3, but it wasn’t. However, Harry Brown is Britain’s answer to Death Wish 3, except it’s more brutal (despite having less deaths) and a hell of a lot more gritty. (To say this film is gritty is doing the film a dis-service and completely underselling it, and no, that’s NOT a compliment).

It’s a very, VERY slow starting film that has a totally unnecessary scene at the very beginning of some scallies performing some ritual to welcome a new member to the gang (he has to freebase and hold it in his mouth for as long as he can) and then shooting a lady in the park who’s walking her 2-year-old child. This is all filmed on a mobile phone to try and give you a hard hitting smack in the face introduction. It’s just a waste of time and already an obvious and easy method of creating “realism”.

Whoever wrote the script has really gone over the top on what scallies are like. Ok, so they are numpties. I won’t deny that, but to make them out to be pure evil that do nothing but thrive on brutal violence and talking like Ali G is a little unfair I feel. Even I’m not that stuck-up to dismiss them as complete morons, as intimidating as they may be. It’s just so stereotypical to have them behaving like this; it’s how the media portray them, like caricatures. No real research has gone into what the life of a scally is like (I’m well aware of how condescending I’m being labelling them as scallies, but yobs is a little light me thinks). If they did research scally life then I’d be very surprised, it can only have gone as far as picking up a red top.

There are many clichés in the film as well as far too many overblown moments. It seems the writer forgot that Harry Brown is a pensioner at times, because this guy can move around pretty sharp like. Marines or not, age catches up to us all and slows us down, but not Harry.

There’s one scene that seemed to go on forever and a day. Harry goes to buy a gun off two drug dealers, and these dealers are completely off their tits on every drug you can think of, to the point one of them looks permanently green. They live in this shitty little building, but in the back they have a lavish set-up where they’re growing a forests worth of weed (no shit) and there’s another room where there’s a lady who’s completely strung-out on heroin who the dealers rape and film and have the rapes playing on loop on some big LCD TV. This is what I mean by going way over the top and painting them out to be the worst of the worst and complete and utter scum. At one point the main drug-dealer freebases from a gun (that's not shocking, it's just pathetic!) It was from this scene where they lost any kind of realism that may have been up to now. But as I was saying, this scene is just far too long and ends ridiculously. Though it does feature Eli Dingle from Emmerdale!

Every scene in the film looks extremely gritty, just really fuckin’ grim, even the interview rooms at the police station look grimmer than a dungeon. At the police station there’s a sub-plot about the detective (played by Emily Mortimer) who knows Harry is the vigilante killing off these scallies, but the head of the police dismisses her (she’s a chick! Of course he’s gonna dismiss her.) As Andrew pointed out, this film is going back to the styles of exploitation movies back in the 70’s, and they use the same clichés and woeful twists. And just like in all vigilante movies the police are obviously incapable of anything and just don’t give a damn!

However, when I wasn’t laughing at the ridiculousness of the film, I did genuinely laugh once when Emily Mortimer’s police partner was talking about one of the scallies dad’s and said something along the lines of, “He’s a cunt, who’s son’s a cunt, who’ll end up having kids who’ll be cunts! Harry’s doing us a favour!” It wouldn’t be a gritty British film without “cunt” getting in there! But yes, this made me laugh because as horrible as it sounds, there is truth to that; cunts will raise their children to be cunts.

I won’t deny that there’s a definite “issue” with certain youths of today, but it is nowhere near as grim or as bad as they paint it to be in this film. Like this review maybe guilty of in places, this film is very patronising to youths and doesn’t even try to humanise them.

I was dreading this film to the point I was even a little grumpier than usual before heading out to see it. As I left the cinema I told Andrew it’s going to get the lowest rating of ‘abysmal’, but in hindsight and listening to Andrew, I feel that would be a little contradicting considering I enjoy Death Wish 3 (obviously for the wrong reasons) which is a bad film, but funny because of how bad it is. Harry Brown is a terrible, terrible film and far too brutal and grim, but, like Death Wish 3, the over the top nature and ridiculousness of it does make it funny.

Verdict: Missable

Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince

Tagged: “Unmissable”
Source: Newspaper ad (The Sun)
Location: Manchester AMC
Accompanied by: Andrew

Line re-action: I changed it a little this time. I was served by a cheery and casual chappy (he was so casual that rather than sit on the chair behind the desk, he sat ON the desk). We made small talk, and then I said, “I’ve been told it’s unmissable.” His reply, “Well I’m not really a Harry Potter fan, but some of my friends have seen it and they say it’s really good, but I’ve not seen any of them, so I don’t know.”

Film Review: Of all the four films that’ve been tagged as “unmissable” this was the one I least wanted to see, I dreaded it the most. I’ve not read any of the books, nor have I seen any of the previous five Potter films. I’m just not interested in child fantasy books/films. I just don’t get the whole phenomenon with this Harry Potter shit.

When my friends saw this was the next on the list of “unmissable’s” they all immediately said I’d give it a bad review, that I wouldn’t understand any of it so I won’t be able to appreciate it. The fact is, yes, they’re right. I will give this film a bad review, and it’s not just because I have no interest whatsoever in it, but because it really is a bad film.

I’m not going to give any back-story to the film as the majority of people will have already seen the Potter films, and if you haven’t, going off this one, I wouldn’t bother. The main problem to this film is that there isn’t a strong enough story to last two and bit hours. It simply could’ve been told in five minutes – no foolin’. Basically some bad kid wants to get his hands on this magic cupboard that makes stuff disappear then return, while having been told to klll the head wizard at Hogwarts school. Potter and this wizard fella have to get a necklace to stop some bad joo-joo a-happening. Oh, and there’s a love story for Potter’s mates, Hermione (played by the Dad’s favourite Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint), otherwise they’d have absolutely nothing to do in the film. And that’s it. Saying this film dragged is an understatement. It’s not just the sub-plot of Hermione being in love with Ron that’s pointless, but the supposed main story is bloody pointless too. There’s no chance of me giving away any spoilers to this film, because there isn’t any!; nothing happens!

As much as I was dreading this film I was at least expecting to see some half-decent action sequences, but there’s barely any action in the soddin’ film! There’s the odd bit of twig pointing here and there, but it’s not at all visually entertaining, there’s no excitement or suspense at any point in this film.

I’ve always been a bit iffy about CGI heavy films. Now don’t get me wrong, CGI can do good for films, it helps achieve the impossible at times. But films like this are sold on how good the special effects are; the visual aspect of things didn’t at all blow me away. It’s clear this film is going to date incredibly fast. There’s one scene at the end where Potter and Hermione are stood on a balcony and it’s as clear as day that the background is CGI. I’ve only seen about ten minutes of the first Potter film (about a year ago on TV) and that looked dated already, so I guess this film is in keeping with the pretty lame CGI (though it’s not Spiderman bad).

I remember when the first Potter film came out how many of the critics were saying how wooden the acting was from the three kids. If in this they’ve improved, I dread to think how shoddy their acting was in the previous five. Daniel Radcliffe isn’t at all very convincing or believable as Potter. Rupert Grint isn’t too bad I suppose.

It seems impossible to make a British film these days without Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, Jim Broadbent, Robbie Coltrane, Timothy Spall, or Maggie Smith appearing in it. All that was missing from the “super Brit-pack” was the highly irritating Bill Nighy. Am pretty sure they’ll squeeze in Judi Dench too somewhere in the next one (or should that be two?) But this really has nothing to do with how poor the film is. I’ll get back on track…

The whole film is just two and bit hours of filler. Why this is needed in the Potter saga I’ll never know. If all of the others are as lacklustre in action as this, then I’m totally bemused as to why they’ve been so successful.

The only thing that kept me watching this was changing the story in my head. As the bad kid (played by Tom Felton – he played a character called Draco) looked like the latest “pop sensation” Ben Hudson (aka Mr Hudson), I changed it so that the he wanted everybody to hear his music, but Potter and the gang just didn’t want to hear his awful crap that he calls music. Now if you haven’t heard of Mr Hudson I’d suggest you keep it that way, he makes really bad pop music and is the latest flavour-of-the-month. With this new story in place it made it a little more enjoyable for about two minutes.

Why is it in every film of this genre that black represents evil and white represents good? Can’t someone just mess with the formula for once instead of being so predictable? It’s no fun when you know from the word go when someone is going to be a bad ‘un.

There’s no pace to this film, nothing to keep you interested or get you gripped. It should’ve been a five minute montage at the beginning of the next Potter film, a “previously on...” type thing, not something drawn out to last what seemed like forever and a day.

I think Harry Potter sums up this film the best at the end when he says, “It’s all just been a big waste of time” – no shit Potter!

Verdict: Abysmal

Sounds Like Teen Spirit

Tagged: “Unmissable”
Source: UK Film Poster, Postcard and UK theatre trailer
Location: Manchester Cornerhouse
Accompanied by: Andrew and Johno

Line re-action: I’m not sure how familiar you people reading this are with the Cornerhouse cinema, but they show a lot of world cinema and “arty farty” flicks, which I’m grateful for, but I’m not, however, grateful for the pretentious attitude from the staff that comes when viewing films there. So, as you can imagine, my expectations of a good re-action were low. Thankfully I was surprised as a cheery young lady was serving me. I delivered the line with confidence, she responded so confidently that she sat back a little in her chair, saying, “I believe so! I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve been told it is.”

Film Review:

The following review is more of a joint review from Johno and myself, as we shared the exact same views on this film. It’s as if we shared one brain while watching it.

The synopsis is dead simple; a documentary about the junior Eurovision song contest - a song contest that I had no idea existed until I saw the trailer for this film. Even if this film wasn’t tagged as “unmissable” I’d have still paid to go and see it, despite the other tagging of “feel-good’ which is, to me, a sign of cheese. It’s a film in the same vein as the documentary, Spellbound.

Before seeing this film I’d seen an interview with the director and producer who said that the idea of a junior song contest is hilarious, but would it be enough to make a full-length documentary out of? In truth - no. It wouldn’t, which is why they padded it out by following certain countries and giving us their back-stories.

We start off in Belgium where they’re holding the contest to see who shall be presenting them in the overall finals. It’s here we get to see the disturbing act known as The Dolton Sisters who wouldn’t look out of place in The Shining. There’s something un-nerving about seeing young girls dressed up like dolls.

Once we have a winner there, we’re introduced to the entries from Georgia, Bulgaria and Cyprus. Now my first fears were that I wouldn’t like any of these kids and would find them all to be annoying little brats. But my cynicism was proved wrong and each of these kids was funny, sweet and endearing. The Belgium entry, (a band called Trust) featured a 14-year-old pianist (no way did he look 14!) who can play at a classical level and a drummer who has an eye for the ladies and likes to put rice on his drums when drumming. Georgia’s entry was a 13-year-old girl who was determined to put Georgia on the map. Bulgaria’s entry was a girl band (Bon-Bon) who’s main singer felt that by representing her country would bring her father back home, who divorced her mother years ago – how tragic is that? And the Cyprus entry was a young lad who wanted to sing opera and who’s sister was so happy she cried when he was announced the winner to represent his country in the finals.

Before I delve into the high points (it’s always best to try and finish off on a positive I feel when there’s something positive to say), I’ll discuss my, or rather our, nit-picks.

As far as documentaries go it was very formulaic, which isn’t a problem at all, but one of the major gripes we found was the narration. For a start the guy narrating really didn’t have a voice for narrating, it was far too weak. Secondly, the narration wasn’t constantly prominent. There was a bit at the beginning, then the film was allowed to speak for itself for 40 minutes or so, and then there’d be more narration. There was just no need for narration at all, especially when parts of the film were told via text.

The major gripe about the film goes back to the point about them having to pad it out for a full film. For some unknown and strange reason they decided to inform us about past wars in Europe and how there’s blood on many of the countries hands, but since this competition has started there’s been less blood spilled. What the cupcakes has that got to do with anything?! It holds no relevance to the story of the film at all.

The most bizarre part of the film comes about halfway through (I think) when we are following the girl from Bulgaria in a wood (I’m aware of how dodgy I’ve made that sound). She’s telling us about a magical place she has written a song about while surrounded by the snowy, picturesque woods. Suddenly the song begins to play and we are treated to a montage of her in the woods; like a mini music video. What makes this scene standout so much is the use of split screen and kaleidoscope effects, just totally out-of-place with the rest of the film’s style. I’m not sure what they were trying to achieve here. Maybe they were trying to be tongue-in-cheek and poke fun at the low-budget style euro-pop videos; I have no idea. It was just a weird scene.

As for the good points of the film, as already mentioned, the kids are endearing and many sweet quotes occur. Every time Belarus are shown I guarantee you you’ll laugh - from the dodgy clothes, to the somersault in the hotel reception to the walking up human stairs in their performance! Sadly there wasn’t nowhere near enough coverage of Belarus. I can’t even recall hearing their song.

There are many laugh-out loud moments, especially Russia’s entry of a small blonde girl donning a tux! And Portugal’s entry looks too funny to be taken seriously; a little fat, greasy kid donning a white suit. He looked like the love child of Marlon Brando, but Marlon Brando in his fat era.

There’s an eyebrow rising moment when there’s a bit of a hoo-hah over the choice of uniform change midway through competition favourite Ukraine’s entry. Even I was shaking my head when the costume change was unveiled.

The best part of the film is the actual event, which is a shame I guess as the aim for the filmmakers was to add to this, but sadly, the final is the most entertaining and most humours part of the film. You really do start to feel the tension a little, along with the funniness of these kids’ faces going from one extreme emotion to the other.

Overall it’s a good film, with a lot of heart and many funnies, but is letdown by bad filler (past wars in Europe) and unnecessary narration. Johno raised the point of what makes this documentary worthy of having a cinema release; surely it’d work much better in a 60-minute format for a channel 4 documentary? And I have to agree. It’s a good film, but the bad parts are a real downer on the film, but the good stuff is well worth seeing. All three of us left the screening with big smiles on our faces, discussing many scenes, which can only mean it is worth seeing.

Verdict: Admirable

State Of Play

Tagged: “Utterly Unmissable”
Source: Newspaper ad (The Sun)
Location: Burnley Apollo Cinema
Accompanied by: Andrew

Line reaction: I was hoping not to be served by the same moody lady, and I was in luck. A cheery employee, who even managed a smile, served me! As I handed over the money, I delivered the line, and the response…. was good! “I haven’t seen it yet. It started off quietly, but it’s become very popular all of a sudden. I think it’s because of word of mouth.”

Film Review:

I won’t lie, when my dad showed me the ad, I was gutted that this was tagged. My reason being is that I am yet to see a film starring Russell Crowe that I actually like. I just don’t rate the man as an actor, so my hopes were low. He plays the same role a lot of the time, and in this film, well, it’s a safe role again for him. The laid back, whispering, rugged yet savvy guy. YAWN!

State Of Play was originally a TV series penned by fellow Burnley man Paul Abbott, (to patronise you, he wrote Shameless, Children’s Ward, Clocking Off, and even penned a couple of episodes of Coronation Street – good man!). But here it’s been bastardised, sorry, I mean Yankified (racist?), and who better to play an American journalist than Mr America himself, Russell Crowe. You see, this is my problem with Russell Crowe; he can’t do an American accent very well. It’s difficult for him to cover up his Aussie accent. Why they couldn’t just have him be Australian, or have an American actor play the lead role is beyond me.

Also starring in this film is Ben Affleck. I don’t need to say anything that we don’t know already about his dodgy acting abilities. Other big names in the film are Rachael McAdams (if you love your chick flicks, you’ll love this lady, she starred in the ULTIMATE chick flick, The Notebook), Helen Mirren (you know what she’s been in. Remember that classic The Hawk? Well, she was in that). Jeff Daniels also shows up for a few scenes, and why not?

Ok, so the story of State Of Play is simple, a journo (that’d be Russell then, but he’s called Cal in this) and his colleagues stick their noses in a mysterious murder of a Congressman’s (that’d be Ben Affleck, he’s called Stephen in this, Stephen Collins) mistress. But lo and behold, there’s twists and turns at every corner of this film.

As the film started I got the impression that director Kevin McDonald was trying to capsulate the same feel of classic political thriller’s of the seventies, such as All The President’s Men (kudos Andrew for the title), but sadly, as Andrew pointed out, in this day and age it’s difficult to make an engrossing political thriller. I mean, there’s only so much you can do with the formula, and believe me this film fails at that. It’s a very pedestrian film, even using implausible twists that hold no water. It’s all a bit too convenient for Cal when he’s pulling these “sources” left, right and centre. Just where the hell has he got the “sources” from?!

One of the quotes on the film poster simply reads, “Gripping from start to finish”. It’s about as gripping as a banana skin (I’m not very good at analogies, that’s Sir Alan’s domain). My main problem with the film is that, aside from the minor plot holes, none of the characters are likeable. I couldn’t give a flying shit what happened to any of them. The second it showed Cal making his tea of powdered mash I’d lost complete respect for the character. He maybe a slob, but you don’t fuck around when you’re making mash! Even slobs know that.

The worst twist of them all is at the very end. It just comes from nowhere and is simply not needed. It’s as if Spielberg got his hands on it and did his usual of, “What this film needs guys is an extra chunk at the end that isn’t needed!”

One of the cheesiest bits of the film is when Cal notices that the guy who did the deed is wearing the same panther shirt he sees in a picture, and as the dramatic music plays, sounds of panthers growling are incorporated into it. No need.

I’m sure you’re all aware of the Orange ads that appear before films, telling people not to have their phones switched on. The main guy in these adverts is Brennen Brown, and as the ad came on Andrew said, “Do you think this guy will do anything else once they stop making these ads?”

About fifteen minutes into the film up pops Brennen Brown! Now, I mention this because in all of those Orange ads he’s meddling with scripts, trying to get them to incorporate as many phones as they can into the film. In State Of Play, there’s a LOT of phone action. It’s as if Brennen hasn’t been employed just to act for Orange, but to really meddle with the films he’s in! (Either that, or he’s a method actor who’s gotten confused with his identity and really believes he’s a head honcho at Orange).

The ending is the worst part of the film (you’d think that’d be the best, “thank Christ that’s over!”) as this is supposed to be the climax, the edge of your seat, slap-in-the-face ending. Instead we’re treated to a mediocre, bore of an ending that leaves you annoyed because you know you’ve just wasted nearly two and half hours of your life.

If you want to watch a good political thriller, I suggest you go back to when they were in their heyday, the seventies. Watch French Connection or as previously mentioned, All The Presidents Men, don’t waste your time with this.

It’d be harsh to label it as ‘abysmal’ as from a film making point of view, it wasn’t shoddy and the plot holes weren’t THAT bad, but it just didn’t go anywhere and there are many twists that are just not needed.

Luckily there was one guy in the audience who had no idea what was happening. He was so excited that he said aloud, “Ooo, what’s gonna happen now? Oh, it’s finished. Oh no! It’s not!” I’m glad he enjoyed it, because I didn’t.

Verdict: Missable

Gran Turino

Tagged: “Utterly Umissable”
Source: UK TV Trailer
Location: Burnley Apollo Cinema
Accompanied by: Andrew

Line re-action: As we entered, there was nobody on the counter. A disgruntled looking lady noticed us waiting to be served. She seemed pissed about having to do her job (“I know love. Life’s a bitch when you have to do what you get paid for”) I could tell she was pissed as she started to chew her gum more ferociously. As I handed over the money I delivered the line, “I believe this film’s unmissable!” with a smile on my face. Without looking me in the eye, she uttered, with total disinterest, under her breath, “Apparently”.

Film Review:

To go into a Clint Eastwood film thinking, “I’m gonna be blown away. My brain is gonna get truly challenged now,” would be a stupid thing to do. So I dropped my film guard and switched off the brain and allowed myself to be fed, Gran Turino.

Clint plays Walt, an ex-Nam war veteran. He doesn’t like life; he doesn’t like anything that’s not American. Basically, he’s an old-fashioned, stuck-in-his-ways, racist bastard! (a lot like Dirty Harry, except racist). And what better place to see this film in a town that’s choc-full of racist bigots!

The film opens with him at the funeral of his wife; within this one scene you know his entire outlook on life (well, pretty much).

He lives in a Chinese community (being the stubborn son-of-a-bitch he is, he won’t move, and why the fuck should he? He’s American for Christ sake!) He doesn’t like his neighbours (they’re Hmong), and they don’t like him. His neighbours include a cute, chubby girl called Sue, and her younger brother, Thao. They’re smart kids.

Thao’s cousin is a gang member and is constantly trying to bully Thao into joining his gang and be a man. Under pressure, Thao gives in to their torments and agrees to steal Walt’s (that’s Clint remember) classic, Gran Turino car. Unsurprisingly, Walt catches Thao, but Thao manages to escape.

The following evening Thoa’s cousin and his goons return to try and get Thao to join them again, but Thao ain’t for leaving. This leads to a squabble on the lawn, which spills over onto Walt’s lawn. Now the shit’s hit the fan! Out steps Walt with a gun and scares off the goons. In the eyes of his neighbours, he is now a hero.

Later on, Walt rescues Sue from being attacked by three “good for nothing punks!” and it’s here the two of them start to bond. The scene where he confronts the three yobs was quite amusing, and I did chuckle (it’s ok, it was intended to be funny!) It even includes a cameo from Clint’s real-life son playing a white guy who thinks he’s “all hip-hop”.

Sue invites Walt over to her house for a barbecue (which co-incides with his birthday) and his heart starts to soften. Again, I chuckled throughout this scene as he tries to get his head round their culture. A theme that’s been dealt with in endless amounts of films, but if it’s done right, it’s good, and Clint did a good job here. He made me chuckle, so that’s gotta be good, right?

Thao is later ordered by his parents to work for Walt to make-up for him attempting to steal his car. Reluctantly, Walt agrees to this, and over time, the two of them become good friends, and for a good half-hour, the film becomes a light-hearted comedy, with no sign of his cousin’s gang. Walt takes Thao under his wing and begins to teach him how to “be a REAL man”. One of the best scenes in the film takes place during this time, when Walt takes him to his Italian barber. This is where we get to see the Father side to Walt (as previously seen, he doesn’t like his own family very much as all they want to do is take from him).

The two of them are getting along fine and Walt is now on good terms with his neighbours. Heck, he even gets Thao a job! But then, inevitably, more shit is thrown onto the fan, and Thao’s house is gun-fired by his cousins crew, and later that night, Sue returns home, badly beaten up and raped. Walt is now seriously TO’d and it’s here the inevitable is to happen. Ladies and gentleman, we have a vengeance coming our way! YES!!! My immediate thought was, “Oh yes! We’re gonna have a Death Wish 3 on our hands here!”

However, the ending wasn’t as predictable as you’d think, and a nice twist occurred. Basically, not the Death Wish 3 ending I was hoping for, but a good ending none-the-less.

The film may have followed the step-by-step of a narrative script, and it was let down by the wooden acting by Thao (played by Bee Vang). Even some of the directing was very clichéd. I couldn’t really fathom the whole point of the priest (Father Janovich) being in it (again, his acting, Christopher Carley, was fairly stiff), and there’s a scene after the attack on Thao’s house has happened between Walt and Father Janovich that is utterly cringe worthy. There’s far too many scenes where Walt spits out a big gobful of tobacco (I think all those Westerns he did have had a lasting effect on him). There’s also too much of him talking to himself, saying out his thoughts aloud. I’ve never liked this in films; it’s so unrealistic and lazy of a filmmaker.

Overall, I wouldn’t say this was a bad film; it’s not all too bad at all. I wasn’t bored during it and it didn’t drag at any point. As for unmissable? That’s way too overboard, it’s a good film with a few minor quips, but definitely not unmissable. The only reason I can think why it’s been tagged as unmissable is because if you think about it, Clint has been rather crafty and taken the best bits of all his past films and amalgamated them all into one film. You’ve a vigilante in Walt, just like Dirty Harry. There are bits of humour in it, like Every Which Way But Loose (but without an orang-utan). And you’ve got tobacco spitting and a couple of showdowns like his Westerns, A Fistful Of Dollars and what not. So it’s a recipe for success!

Also, if like the people in the audience at the Burnley screening I attended, you can laugh at the racist slurs without an ounce of guilt! (I did hear a couple chortle when a doctor said her name was Dr Choo – it wasn’t supposed to be funny!)

However, the one thing that is unmissable about Gran Torino are the end credits, because as they role you are treated to Clint Eastwood singing! (Not in character, just a song played over the credits. Though you could easily make the mistake thinking it was him singing in character with his distinctive tones). It’s so good that Andrew and me were in fits of laughter … but nobody else was.

Verdict: Admirable